


tomato harassment 101

by SleepyFubuki



Series: In This House We Believe In Dageism [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Other, and 2/3 is something of an attempt at smut, author is going to hell series, because sleep deprivation, oh and 3/3 might make you wanna slap me, so basically 1/3 is our dear Luka craycray as usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:20:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24775282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyFubuki/pseuds/SleepyFubuki
Summary: Wanna learn how to harass a tomato? Here's how!or: how to be horny without actually being horny.
Series: In This House We Believe In Dageism [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767790
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. verbal

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to the following link https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/topics/ingredient/vegetables/tomato for being my main weapon of terror in those trippy times.  
> Fair warning, almost all the dialogue here is quoted verbatim from Discord, especially the things Luka says, so this is a somewhat accurate representation of the kind of bullshit I say when I'm trippin' balls after getting insufficient sleep.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't know, literally every piece of dialogue in this chapter was quoted verbatim from Discord.  
> Yes, I was sleep-deprived.  
> Yes, I really did rattle off a bunch of tomato dishes/preparations.  
> And yes, I do say "nyahahahahaha" like that.

Luka had not been sleeping enough. Despite that, he was on a demon-hunting adventure where the demon had opted to be an impostor and was taking the form of their god Dage, the Biggest Brother.

The conversation had started innocently, which is to say, a perfect lay-up for disaster. As we all know, the worst of incidents can start on the best of days, from the simplest of words.

"Let's talk to him," Kakushigo suggested, and all the adventurers gathered around, chatting the demon up like it was some sort of public speaking competition.

"Dage, let us talk about that beautiful cup you are holding," Dani said.

At this moment, Luka had certainly gotten the memo that they were talking, but sleep deprivation and Luka made a dangerous combination. In such conditions, he would say anything, _anything_ his fucked mind could possibly come up with. Talk? Then talk he would.

"Ah, it's Dage," he mused aloud, raising his spellbook in one hand. "Father is a cage and I am cookies."

Oh, mother of God, who the fuck let him talk freely when he hadn't even slept for more than four hours. And then, like an idiot, Dani decided this would be a good time to join in on the not-conversation.

"I am tomato!" Dani chirped, bouncing up to Luka.

And that was when Dani's hell began. Oh, Dani, poor, sweet, innocent Dani who had not been aware of the effect its words would have. Those words flipped a switch in Luka, a switch that even he himself hadn't known was there. Or perhaps he knew. Who knew?

In response to those three words, Luka simply turned to Dani, looked it dead in the eye, wherever that damn tomato's eyes were, and said,

" **You are ketchup**."

Dani shuddered. The look in Luka's eyes was...chilling. It was as if it were already ketchup and Luka was looking at him through the wall of a glass bottle. Why a glass bottle? The poor tomato had no idea either. Fear did funny things to people...uh, tomatoes.

"N-No," Dani uttered, trying not to back away. Backing away was a sign of fear, even if you were a tomato.

"Tomato leather," Luka muttered, patting the leather cover of his spellbook.

"M...Mother?" Dani prompted, backing away. Damn, it really was getting afraid now. Tomato leather was oh my fucking God on a stick.

Somewhere in the party, Kakushigo was giving a sermon.

"Tomato jam," Luka said, a little louder than before.

The demon went down. They acquired 59,775,352 Bodyparts and split it among the adventurers, and found several loot chests.

"Tomato ice cream." Luka staggered towards Dani.

Dani was sweating as it backed away.

"TOMATO AND VODKA!" Luka roared, referencing that one time Jingtian and Qieyu were talking about tomato and vodka cream sauce in the dirtiest way possible.

As Kakushigo looked up in alarm, Dani silently increased its attack stat by 1.

"I have not been sleeping enough," Luka declared.

Kakushigo took one look at Luka and Dani and immediately guessed what was going on, because he's smart that way.

"Why are you tormenting our own tomato pet, Wifey?" he questioned.

"I think we're gonna be making vegetable soup later," Luka said vaguely.

Dani was visibly alarmed. Vegetable soup?! Tomatoes were vegetables!

"Oh, don't worry, my dear tomato, there will be no tomato in that soup," Luka laughed.

Kakushigo picked Dani up and hid the terrified tomato behind his back.

"Until Wifey gets some sleep," he told the tomato.

"Tomato juice, tomato smoothie, tomato and eggs, Italian pasta sauce, lasagna, tomato leather, tomato on a stick, tomato paste, tomato dice," Luka ranted, as if chanting some sort of spell.

"U-uwaa..." If tomatoes could cry, Dani would've cried buckets already. Luka was telling such a horrifying story. God Jesus fuckin' Christ.

"Here, hide in this pot of soil for now," Jaytee advised, holding out a flowerpot containing some soil. Dani quickly hopped in.

"Tomato slices in a BLT," Luka giggled, ignoring Dani's growing horror. "PICO DE GALLO!"

Dani peeked over the rim of the flowerpot, shivering in fear.

"Sundried tomatoes. Mwahahahahahahaha tomatoes stuffed with...rice." The crazy sleep-deprived bastard pushed his bangs aside, laughing like the wacko he was and had always been. "Fuck, I don't even like tomatoes, but now I'm hungry."

Jaytee laughed, shaking his head. Had Mother always been like that? Maybe. He didn't exactly know what Mother had been like before he got adopted into the family.

"Weeeeeeeeeeell, I guess it’s time for McD’s again later." Luka strode over, patting the tomato as he passed by.

Dani ducked, but Luka was still faster.

"Don't worry, you are still loved. Tomato pincushions are very popular..." Luka's smile became a smirk. "Don’t you just looooove sticking pins into them...one. By. One?"

"Babe," Kakushigo said firmly, laying a hand on his Wifey's shoulder. "You need to sleep."

"Nyahahahahahahaha!" Luka cackled, flipping him off.

 _Mother needs sleep,_ Jaytee thought concernedly, frowning as he clutched the flowerpot tighter.


	2. sexual(?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A man holier than I once said 'This should not be sexy'.
> 
> -Luka,  
> and by that I mean the one in the story,  
> not the one who wrote this cursed shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will not take any responsibility for whatever feelings you might have after reading this.  
> Read it and may your eyes burn.

A large surface, a potential weapon, and an unwilling victim. These were all the things a sadist really needed to display the full extent of his perversion.

Today, that large surface would be the chopping board, the weapon a kitchen knife, and the unwilling victim----

"Mother?" Dani shivered as Luka towered over the chopping board, freshly sharpened kitchen knife in hand. "Mother...what are you going to do?"

"What do you think?" Luka chuckled, running the pad of his thumb against the side of the knife's edge. "Does it look like I'm going to kill you?"

 _Yes, it does!_ Dani wanted to cry. Alas, it was but a tomato, and tomatoes could not cry. Oh, where were dear Jaytee and Haigi when it needed them? Jaytee, sweet Jaytee with his pots of soil, and Haigi...well, at least Haigi didn't put it on chopping boards and wave sharpened kitchen knives around in its presence.

Oh, when would they come home...

"Look, isn't it sharp?" Luka placed half a carrot on the chopping board, cut three slices, and deftly carved snowflakes out of each slice. Each snowflake looked like it was made up of six carrots joined at the tips. Very pretty, and also very extra. "I could cut you up like this, too. Carve you up like a turkey...isn't that great?"

"No," Dani whimpered, backing away. "Not at all." It was now having horrible mental images of snowflakes composed of tomatoes. It didn't know how good Luka was when it came to carving curved lines, but if Luka could say 'carve you up like a turkey' then there was a high chance he had the curved lines down pat, too...

Its thoughts were disturbed by a loud THUD. Luka had driven the knife tip-first into the remaining section of carrot. When he took his hand away, the knife was standing on its own.

He was strong enough to stick the knife that deep...This only made Dani even more convinced that Luka was up to no good.

"Look at this sharp tip..." Luka pulled the knife out with ease, lovingly stroking it and placing it up against Dani's face. "With one thrust, it'll pierce right through you so fast, you won't even feel any pain. Of course, it's not supposed to hurt...If it hurts, then it's because the knife-wielder has shitty skills."

"Mother..." Dani ventured. "Are...Are you going to kill me?"

"Relax, I'm not going to kill you," Luka purred, tracing a line down the middle of Dani's belly. Face. Whatever that was. "I'm just going to take you apart and cut you limb from limb...Oh, no, that isn't right." He tapped his lips thoughtfully, then added, "Quarter from quarter, is that the way to say it? Tomatoes ain't got no limbs."

"Father!" Dani screeched, flinching away from Luka's finger. "Father, HELP ME!"

But Kakushigo was away, probably helping some adventurer party or in church. Goddamn lost lambs and their inability to give themselves emotional assurance. A priest's work was never done.

They were the only ones at home.

"Give up, little Dani." Luka nudged the knife closer towards Dani. "Wouldn't it be nice, if I could hear you cry...Hear you break down and sob, crushed by the humiliation of having your guts laid bare for all to see...Your juices all over my fingers as I toy with you, scooping your innards out with my bare hand..."

"Please, just- Someone, anyone," Dani pleaded. "Somebody!"

"Oh, my, and the colour of your flesh matches your skin! Orangey-red...so soft, mm, just the right amount of give..."

" _Mother_ ," Dani began to sob.

"Edge to edge, wedge to wedge..." The knife was thudding against the board. Was its end near? Had it somehow been unable to feel the pain? "Your flesh is absolutely bursting, my dear, it looks best when diced. Tomatoes are like that."

No.

No more...

"Know that every single cut I make," Luka whispered, "is with the greatest care."

No, no, no...

"This way, that way...It must all line up perfectly, else you won't look very nice when I lay you to rest..."

No, just...no...How much more would it have to take...

"And when you can no longer scream, when nothing remains of your former self..." Luka scooped up the pieces in his hands, letting them fall into the pot. "I hold this broken whole, let you slip through these fingers, and it's been such a pleasure, my love."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

~~

"Ooh, something smells good," Haigi said, sticking his head in the doorway. "What's for dinner, Mother?"

"Chicken noodle soup," Luka replied, stirring the contents of the pot before him. "Y'know, chicken, onions, carrot, a bit of celery, garlic, noodles..."

"Niiiiiice." Haigi nodded approvingly. The chicken had come from his farm, after all. Good to see Mother putting it to good use. "I'll go pick Jaytee up from the casino. See you later, Mother!"

"See you~"

On the kitchen counter, Dani sat staring blankly at the onion skins in the open trash bin.

"That was almost me," it muttered feverishly, rooted to the spot.

Those poor onions had been thoroughly diced. What a way to go.

~The End~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...look, by the end of the story, I didn't even know what the fuck I was trying to do, so that's what I ended up with.  
> If anyone thought that was sexy, congratulations! Your brain is officially fucked.


	3. physical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisses get that much more annoying when they're from someone you don't like _that_ way.  
> Some might even go so far as to call it...
> 
> harassment.

Today was a good day.

A good day for kisses.

"I'm heading out." Kakushigo put his shoes on. "Bye, Wifey~"

"Good luck, have fun, please don't die," Luka replied, tiptoeing as high as he could. Taking a hint, Kakushigo bent down to give him a kiss on the lips. Only then did he set off for the church.

"And you!" Luka grabbed Jaytee, who was about to head out with a bag full of Bodyparts. "Have a good time, Jay~"

"Mother!" Jaytee protested, wriggling as Luka gave him a big kiss on the cheek. "I'm a big boy now, I don't need kisses."

"Oh, but you'll always be my littlest~"

"Mother, I just _look_ like a shota," Jaytee deadpanned. "I'm like, over twenty." And it was true; though he had the cute outward appearance of a young boy, he was in fact at least twenty years old, quite old enough to enter the casino on an almost daily basis. No one asked for his ID, because it was common knowledge that Jaytee was a grown-ass adult.

"Don't be so quick to ruin your dear mother's dreams, god fucking damnit," Luka chuckled, ruffling his hair affectionately. "You're the only one I can spoil like this anymore."

Unfortunately, Haigi had already gone off to his chicken farm, and the two girls were never home, so Dani was the next in line for kisses.

And what fearsome kisses those could be.

"Dani~" Luka chirped, scooping the poor tomato out of its pot, where it had been trying to burrow deeper into the soil. Alas, tomatoes had shitty burrowing capabilities, and it just couldn't go any further than that. "How have you been?"

Bullshit, of course Luka knew how it was! That was just an empty greeting, one last gust of wind before the storm.

*smooch*

"Say," Luka whispered loudly, as if he had no idea what the point of whispering was, "wanna be my side ho, Dani?"

If Dani had hands, it would have facepalmed so hard.

\----this damn Luka, what the fuck was he saying? One did not simply ask a tomato things like that. It was a dignified tomato, a proper housepet, not anyone's side ho! Besides, how the hell would one even date a tomato?!

Little did Dani know that this would be the start of a living nightmare...

~~

"Good evening, Dani~" *smooch*

A kiss with the sunset as a backdrop, the very picture of romance.

If you could ignore the fact that the one being kissed was a tomato, that is.

"Mother!" Dani screeched, jumping out of Luka's hands and miraculously surviving the fall without even a bruise or scratch. "What are you doing?!"

"Just a kiss before dinner..." Luka tilted his head to one side. "Is that bad?"

"Bad for my heart, that's what!" Dani jumped up to the table, huffing indignantly.

Of course, tomatoes didn't have hearts, but that meant jack shit in a world like this one. Especially to someone who thought tomatoes were acceptable side ho material. Seriously, why?

~~

"Dani~ Dani~"

*smoooooch*

"Mother..." Dani wriggled away, but Luka was still faster. Thus the poor tomato got a second kiss for trying to escape. "Father will hear about this."

"And Father is an absolute idiot for his little Wifey, so what's your point?" Luka replied sweetly, stroking Dani in a very psycho-like manner. "You're coming to the bedroom tonight."

"Please, no..."

Luka must have done something, because Dani absolutely couldn't sleep that night. Ugh. Happily married couples and the kind of kinky shit they got up to in the bedroom. Now _that_ was something it wished it never had to hear.

Also, this side of Kakushigo kinda terrified it. Thank goodness it was a tomato; it had no ass to spank.

~~

"Dani, wanna be my side ho?" *smooch*

"Mother, I am a tomato," Dani groaned. "Also, no." Of course, not that reminding this crazed man of its identity would work any miracles and cause his horniness meter to crash by ten thousand points, but a little reminder wouldn't hurt.

"Aww, don't be so cold," Luka sighed, keeping up a steady stream of psycho strokes. If Dani had any fur, it would have lost at least 80% of that fur and become 80% more cursed-looking. A furry tomato. Eugh. "I do get so lonely when Father isn't around, you know? And the children are all grown up already...I can't keep them by my side all the time."

"Jaytee's grown-up??"

"Yes, he is! Even though he looks like such a darling..."

" _WIFEY._ "

"Why, yes, hello, if it isn't my beloved-" Luka flinched when he felt Kakushigo's arms come to rest on his shoulders. "Uh...Father?"

"What was that about a side ho?" Kakushigo was smiling, but he sure as hell didn't look too happy. "I see...is your behind craving another spanking? So soon? My, how greedy~"

"Look, that's the reason why I want a side ho," Luka retorted, giving him the finger. "I want someone who doesn't have the ability to wreck my ass both inside and out. Gimme a fuckin' break, yanno?"

"Is that so...?" 

Of course, once Luka got hauled off the sofa and tossed onto the bed, he wasn't so cocky anymore.

Dani whimpered as it pictured a pair of metaphorical hands covering its metaphorical ears. It was during times like this that it felt like the most cursed existence in the world. No ears, yet it could hear everything...sometimes it really wished it would stop receiving sounds in such high quality, it really didn't need to hear Luka getting stuffed up the ass in such detail. Hhhhhhh.

And there must have been something wrong with the way Kakushigo's brain processed things, because Luka looked like he'd been broken rather than given a break the next time Dani saw him.

~~

"Dani."

"Mother?"

Luka stood by the door, waving and smiling gently.

"You're free now," said the man, as Dani looked up. "You can go anywhere you wish."

"Really?! YES!!"

Dani bounced down the road, overjoyed by the fact that it would no longer get those horrible kisses. Finally! It was free!

Finally...

NO MORE KISSES!

And that was when Dani woke up.

"Huh...?" It rolled upright, still a little groggy. "What...I'm still at home..."

*smooch*

"Good morning, Dani," Luka whispered, grinning at it.

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

~The End~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot twist: Jay isn't actually a shota! He just looks like a shota. Luka prefers him shota-sized, though, and so does the author. Which is why no one says anything.


End file.
